Miles In Missions

Thomas Merton once wrote, “The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.” This quote encapsulates the heart of why tools like the Enneagram matter—not just for understanding ourselves but for extending empathy, grace, and mercy to others.

When I first encountered the Enneagram, I was skeptical. Another personality test? I feel like an expert when it comes to the DISC and even teach classes on it……What more did I need? At first glance, it felt like another way to categorize myself: an “8 with a 7 wing” to tuck neatly into my bio alongside my favorite color and what I do for a living. It wasn’t until I began to dig deeper, guided by The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile, that I realized the Enneagram wasn’t just a tool for self-awareness—it was a map to better understand the people around me.

The Beauty of Diversity in Personality

The Enneagram reveals the motivations behind our actions, breaking us into nine unique types, each with its own core desires and fears:

1. The Reformer: Driven by a need for things to be right.

2. The Helper: Motivated by love and the need to care for others.

3. The Achiever: Seeking admiration through success.

4. The Individualist: Longing for uniqueness and authenticity.

5. The Investigator: Fueled by a desire to learn and understand.

6. The Loyalist: Focused on security and solving problems.

7. The Enthusiast: Seeking joy and avoiding pain.

8. The Challenger: Advocating for strength and control.

9. The Peacemaker: Craving harmony and avoiding conflict.

Each type is a beautiful reflection of the way God uniquely designed us. It’s easy to look at someone’s behavior and think, “Why would they do that?” But when we understand their Enneagram type—or any aspect of their personality—it becomes easier to see the world from their perspective and offer them the grace they deserve.

Grace Begins with Understanding

How often do we hold unrealistic expectations of people simply because we don’t understand them? For example, my husband is an introvert. If I didn’t understand this, I might expect him to be the life of the party or love hanging out with a crowd of friends. That expectation, unmet again and again, could easily lead to frustration, disappointment, and even bitterness.

But when I understand how God wired him, my perspective shifts. It’s not that he doesn’t care about me or my friends—it’s that social situations drain him in ways they don’t drain me. And while understanding his introversion is helpful, reading about the Enneagram Six gave me an even deeper insight into the man I’ve been married to for 23 years. His core desire for security, his loyalty, and his knack for anticipating potential problems made sense in a way they never had before. This knowledge deepened my respect for how he approaches life and allowed me to love him better.

Relationships in Today’s World

Today, I hear about so many relationships—spouses, family, and friends—constantly on the verge of breaking up. It’s heartbreaking to witness the hurtful things that have been said or done, with everyone so quick to throw in the towel. Cutting people off seems to have become the go-to solution, as if avoiding the issue is easier than working through it. Everyone feels justified in defending their own perspective but rarely considers the other person’s.

But when we pause to consider the other person, we begin to see that their childhood upbringing and life experiences up to this point have deeply shaped who they are. This is something I love about the Enneagram and The Road Back to You—it encourages us to examine not just the “what” of our personalities but the “why.” Everyone is going through something or has gone through something. We’re all carrying wounds, fears, and insecurities that inform how we respond to the world around us.

No, we are not their God, and they shouldn’t look to us to solve their issues or be their everything. But in the same way, we cannot look to others to satisfy all of our needs. That role belongs to God, not to any person in our lives. When we take that pressure off the people around us and shift our expectations to align with how God uniquely designed them, we create space for love and understanding to flourish. This is how Jesus walked the earth—meeting people exactly where they were, loving them as they were. And something incredible happened: through His love, they began to believe in themselves and blossomed into the extraordinary individuals God had always designed them to be.

Our way, our thoughts, our actions—they might feel right for us because they align with how we’re made, but they’re not always right for someone else. Instead of forcing others to fit into our mold, what if we started loving them for the way God uniquely made them? What if, by showing that love and grace, they began to believe in themselves and in their God-given worth?

The Enneagram as a Tool for Empathy

The more we embrace the uniqueness of others, the more we can offer grace when they don’t meet our expectations. Instead of asking, “Why can’t they just…?” we begin to ask, “How can I better support them in being who they are?”

This is where tools like the Enneagram are transformative. They help us peel back the layers to see the core motivations of the people around us. That coworker who seems overly critical? Maybe they’re a Perfectionist (One) who feels deeply responsible for making things right. That friend who flakes on plans? They might be an Enthusiast (Seven), easily distracted by new opportunities. Instead of frustration, we can respond with understanding—and set healthier, more realistic expectations.

A Prayer of Blessing

The Enneagram journey begins and ends with seeing ourselves—and others—as God sees us. The prayer from The Road Back to You beautifully sums this up:

May you recognize in your life the presence, power, and light of your soul. May you realize that you are never alone, that your soul in its brightness and belonging connects you intimately with the rhythm of the universe. May you have respect for your individuality and difference. May you realize that the shape of your soul is unique, that you have a special destiny here, that behind the facade of your life there is something beautiful and eternal happening. May you learn to see yourself with the same delight, pride, and expectation with which God sees you in every moment.

When we understand ourselves and others, we open the door to deeper relationships. We replace frustration with empathy, expectations with acceptance, and bitterness with grace. The Enneagram isn’t just a tool for categorizing personality—it’s a pathway to love others as they were beautifully and intentionally made.