Miles In Missions

Hiraeth: a Welsh word for homesickness (or nostalgia)

(n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the grief for the lost places of your past.

I don’t recall where I saw this picture but I saved it on Pinterest.  Lately, I have been feeling Hiraeth as most missionaries do. I sometimes wish I lived like the missionaries of the 40’s . They didn’t have Facebook, email or international calling plans. Seeing pictures of family get togethers on Facebook, receiving emails from friends about their life back home and navigating the six hour difference to talk to your family on the phone – it is always exciting, but it is also depressing.

I wonder if missionaries of the 40’s missed their passport country as much as I seem too? They never knew if someone was sick or died or if there was a birth in the family until long after it happened. Is it better to immediately see and hear what you are missing out on or to not know at all?  

I feel like you can’t truly connect with your host country unless you completely disconnect with your passport country. But it can feel like you are turning your back on everyone you love and care about. Where is the middle ground?

Lately, I have been going through old pictures online trying to categorize them.  I stumbled across a file that had pictures of the annual Polsgrove family trip to Gatlinburg. I remember how every trip resulted in a Polsgrove male breaking or wrecking something or offending someone. There were pictures of the five Christmas’s or the five hundred birthdays we attended every year due to our big, happy, dysfunctional family. I remember how Lenny and I complained about the stress it created and we couldn’t wait to get away from all the busyness and family whalla (problems).  

Now as I look at each picture I wish I could have those annoying times back.  I crave the family get together where someone offends someone else.  I miss the chaos of attending three different birthday parties in one weekend.  It feels strange to look at pictures of a life and a home that no longer exist and could never be the same if we ever returned- and it grieves me.

I grieve the loss of relationship with nieces and nephews that will not know who I am. I grieve not being there to pray with a friend and hug them when they are going through tough times. I miss those deep relationships where a friend knows when you are not being your true self. 

So what do I do? I wish I could say I have the answer but I don’t.  I DO know God has called me to serve in Nigeria.  However, when times get tough, when I feel lonely or when I long for the easier life …. my thoughts turn toward my old home and I grieve. I know that grieving is normal.  I ask God to help me remember that I am his daughter in Nigeria and I am not missing out, but it is one thing to say it and another thing to really feel and believe it!  Pray for God to help me not just say that I believe in His purposes for my life but that I believe and feel it with my entire being!  I am sure my feelings are no different than some of you reading this email who have families living miles apart or maybe your families ties have been broken and you miss those better times.  I hope this blog encourages you to know you are not alone and that your fellow sister in Christ completely understands. Our feelings don’t mean we are weak or incapable but that we are human.  We are also daughters and sons of the Most High and He is our one true home! 

Isaiah 43:18-19 Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.  (NIV)